Connection is a two-way exchange of attention and energy. It is an ability to give attention to others and receive attention from others. When you actually connect, you experience an exchange of human energy that feels good emotionally and physically. No matter who you are or what you do, the ability to connect is an essential ingredient to success in speaking and in life. The ability to make connection easily opens all kinds of possibilities – for creating relationships, for sales and doing business, for leading groups, teams, families and for influencing family friends, clients and co-workers.
At The Self-Expression Center in Houston, we teach a core concept called “receiving the flow of attention from others.” Receiving the flow of attention from others makes connection with other people easy. Everyone knows that they should make eye contact when they speak, but not many people feel comfortable making deep connection…so they will glance toward others… and not really connect, not really see individuals and not allow themselves to be seen.
I discovered a way to use your eyes that makes it feel safer to connect with individuals and groups. I call it a soft eye focus or soft eyes. In soft eye focus, you let your eyes go slightly unfocused and soft. Land your eyes gently on one person at a time, and imagine you drink them in through your eyes. Simply allow the energy of others to come into you and receive the impression of them, kind of like being a piece of photographic paper. Using soft-eye contact while speaking in front of groups helps minimize fear of public speaking because it causes you to see with the eyes of love. You see people with acceptance rather than with judgment. That feels safer and creates a heart connection with others. And it also has the effect of causing you to feel more connected to yourself and to Spirit because it is an act of sharing spiritual energy. The more you connect through soft eye contact, the more comfortable you feel in the world and in front of others.
What an interesting, and generous, and substantive, post!
I’m going to have to do this next time I teach. And when I go teach in Japan this June, I’ll try it some more. On my previous trips to Japan, I’ve learned that many people in this generation are the first in their families to explore making eye contact with strangers in a social way. I think your method will be especially appreciated there.
And also by me, just playing with it.
How did you discover this technique, Sandra?
I agree. 😉
By the way, I’m still working on funding for the workshop
Hello Rose. Thanks for your comment. I actually first learned about a soft eye technique in an Aikido class many years ago. Somehow it got filed away deep in my brain and reemerged to memory while I was in the first couple years of creating my program on transforming stage fright and developing presence. It suddenly occurred to me that a soft eye contact with an audience might make it feel easier to connect and receive attention. And so it did! Since Aikido is a Japanese form of martial arts, it just may well appeal to young Japanese people who are trying to westernize their pattern of avoiding eye contact! Let me know if it works.